Added: Chassity Mazur - Date: 04.12.2021 17:41 - Views: 13303 - Clicks: 1311
After the loss of her husband, this woman took a leap and found love. A water engineer named Bob, he had two grown kids and, like me, was recently widowed. Bob also sounded like a realist. My own profile had spoken of compromise and mutual trust, dynamics that had proved essential during my marriage to Joe.
Rather than feeling, as some women might, that I could never measure up to his deceased spouse, I considered his loving marriage a plus. To me, that suggested a man who knew what it took to create, nurture and sustain a partnership. In subsequent days, we ed back and forth, then switched to phone calls as our conversation deepened. A week after first making contact, Bob and I met for dinner at a restaurant. The next day, I removed my profile from the two dating sites. Three years later, surrounded by his two children and my daughter, we married.
What I do believe is that each of us had a clear sense of our non-negotiables, which is to say the qualities we felt essential in a future mate. Just as important, the timing was right. Though we were both still grievingeach of us had come to a place where we wanted to find someone with whom to share our lives. To my mind, that timing element is critical.
A dinner companion? A casual hook-up? A boyfriend? My first hurdle was to acknowledge that I wanted a committed relationship and accept that moving forward with my life did not mean that I was leaving my love of Joe behind.
I still loved and continue to love Joe deeply. I wanted to love again.
But I did not want to try to love again in the same way. I knew that any man intended as his stand-in would never measure up to the original. Experience, maturity, the jolt of loss and having to rethink who I was without the comfort and certainty of a partner beside me had given rise to a woman with priorities quite different from those that had guided the choice of my first husband.
Three decades later, with my nest about to empty and my career aims largely realized, I knew that the focus of any new relationship would be something else entirely. What I saw ahead was the winding down of my full-time career and an easing into a retirement that would be challenging to define. I wanted to be with someone who wanted a partner to chart and navigate that daunting terrain. Perhaps travel. Perhaps grandchildren.
Perhaps volunteer work. That perhaps had been inevitable, given our two demanding careers. Their understanding of relationships had deepened. Perhaps most important, their appreciation of what was missing in their first marriage had clarified.
It seemed to me if they were genuine in their desire to forge a new relationship, that was what they would be looking for this time around, not what had made their marriage untenable.
Bob and I, who had both enjoyed long, happy marriages, could have been stopped by considerations more common to the widowed. Was moving forward with our lives a betrayal of the loved ones we had buried? Would new intimacy risk yet another loss? As it happened, we were very much on the same. Though we were still bereft, there was no confusion about whether Bob was seeking a stand-in for his late wife, Leslie, or I for Joe. From the start, we each knew that had we met earlier in our lives, it is unlikely we would have been attracted to one another.
We stand as a couple distinct from our earlier, beloved marriages. For those who, bruised by death or divorce, hover on the sidelines letting fear of potential injury trump their desire for new intimacy, I can offer this reassurance: For better or worse, it will never be the same.
This moment is different.
The challenges that you face are different. You are different. Search Search. Health All Health. The Coronavirus Pandemic. America's Entrepreneurs. All Living. Vitality Arts. All Caregiving. The Future of Elder Care. X Search. Taking the Leap. The Critical Elements. Opening Up to Something New. To learn more about her book and her grief and divorce coaching, visit www.
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