Added: Britanny Rowell - Date: 24.05.2022 21:23 - Views: 39290 - Clicks: 3100
I will think of solutions, I will not let my worry control me. I will not let my stress level break me. I will simply breathe. And it will be okay. It was a Wednesday afternoon in late July, and I felt like my entire world was coming to an end. That evening he told me he no longer loved me and wanted a divorce. What just happened to my life? Just a few short weeks ago I was laughing, smiling, and enjoying my life to the fullest. Now I could barely get out of bed. I wanted to make this pain stop, to sleep until I figured out that this was all a bad dream.
It never happened. I had to face the fact no matter how much I wanted it to change, the facts were the facts: My husband was having an affair and I had no idea what to do.
I had spent my whole life saying if I were ever cheated on, I just kick him to the curb and never look back. No one ever tells you that this conflict might come up, and no one tells you this is completely normal. I began reading everything I could find. I was desperately trying to make sense of a situation that made absolutely no sense to me.
We were happy. We were the couple everyone wanted to be. I beat myself up wondering how I missed this coming. I wondered why I even cared, and why I would want to save a relationship that was causing me so much pain. Was I so selfish that I never saw how unhappy he was? Could I have prevented it from happening? How was I going to become a single mom? How were our kids going to get through this?
And the biggest question: Am I going to just give up without a fight? That question changed everything for me. I decided, right then and there, that I would not just give up. I was a fighter, and no matter the outcome, I would give my all. This man I knew and loved for so long had to be hurting too. The information about affairs online is absolutely overwhelming. My search engine became my best friend. As the questions came, I would type them in and search through the thousands of articles for hours and hours.
Below are the top ten things that would ultimately give me back control over my own life. When strong emotions came up, I learned to count backwards from a hundred by threes. A hundred big breath in through the noseninety-seven exhale through the mouthninety-four big breath in through the nose. Counting by threes forces your brain to focus on something other than the intruding thoughts and worries.
I did this a lot of this throughout the days to come. After a while, I finally felt as though I could control my own breathing no matter what was happening around me. At a time when I felt as if I had no control over anything, I finally discovered that I could control something: I could control myself. Get a pen and paper, grab your computer, or put a journal app on your phone. Whatever works best for you, just start doing it.
There is something about writing down whatever you are feeling that allows you to release some of the emotion behind it. Once I started writing, I realized how much of my energy I could get back by releasing some of the pain I was feeling. I literally stopped eating. The thought of food made me sick to my stomach. I had no energy and dropped an entire pant size in two short weeks. Eat anything. Soup and watermelon became my lifeline.
Make it simple, make it nutritious, but make it happen. You need your energy to get through this, and I promise, you will get through this. I began to notice that when my body was getting the nutrition it needed, I was able to think more clearly and sleep more soundly, which le me to the next tip. All you want to do is sleep, yet when it comes time to go to bed you are haunted by thoughts and emotions you never knew existed. For me, going to bed was just a reminder that my husband was not there. We used to cuddle every night before falling asleep, and suddenly I was left with an empty bed.
I learned about guided meditation and would use it to drift off to sleep. If I awoke in the middle of the night, I stopped fighting it, got up, and wrote, and allowed myself to cry. I would write and cry for hours until I had nothing left to say or feel and drifted back to sleep. I never realized how creative my brain was and how many false ideas and images it could conjure up on its own. Find someone, anyone that you can talk to.
Make your intentions clear. I wanted to save my marriage. So I stopped talking to anyone. When we only have our own voice, we have no choice but to believe all the lies we tell ourselves. The list is endless. We need our people now more than ever. I needed someone who could ground me when my brain was running wild.
Find someone who will listen without judgment. Maybe you already exercise daily, and that is great. I never exercised, ever. I hated it and I still do. But during this time I found the value in it. Yoga was easy and relaxing, and so was walking.
I realized that it gave me some me time. It allowed space to clear my head if only for a few minutes, and those minutes were glorious. I learned how to give myself grace. I learned that there is no perfect way to do or get through this. You will experience a rollercoaster of emotions that you never thought were possible. How can you possibly love and hate someone so much at the same time?
How can you go from laughing to crying in a matter of seconds? You may feel embarrassment, shame, guilt, love, hope, and everything in between. The rollercoaster is real, and you know what, it is completely normal. This realization was one of the most freeing. No matter how you are feeling at this very moment, it will change, I promise.
There is no right or wrong way to feel with this, it just is. It was all too easy for me to blame myself. It was my fault that he no longer loved me. I would learn that this never had anything to do with me. I did not make these choices for him. I did not do anything to cause him to make these choices. These were choices that he made completely on his own. He was suffering, and when someone else boosted his self-esteem, he latched on as if it were his only lifeline. He eventually learned that it was never about me. I later learned that while we can all work to improve how we show up in our relationships, nothing we are doing or not doing excuses an affair.
However, since I wanted to save my marriage, I had to take a long hard look at myself and see where I could show up better in my marriage. I learned how to be a better listener. I learned how to be more compassionate and understanding when my husband was going through a difficult time. I learned the art of patience. And I learned what unconditional love really means.
What did you enjoy doing before you were a couple? What hobbies or activities do you have on your own?The pain of an affair
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